As long as I remember, being trapped in this suspiciously human-shaped form, on this deeply questionable planet, in whatever timeline this is supposed to be; my brain has refused to take a single day off.
Since I was dumped on this insane earth (1966) my mind has been wandering in a million different directions sprinting through approximately seven million thoughts at the exact same time and is mostly tangled up in a brutally complicated mess.
One part is analyzing invisible energy.
Another is questioning reality.
A third is wondering whether I left a co-twin-cell behind somewhere.
And remember I am from another century (1966); so I’m not yet totally screwed up and emotionally confused by something called internet since birth.
My first memories were those of how this dimension works as a temporary being in physical form.
Because you’ll have to admit: questioning wether stuffed toys were ever real animals, brutally captured by humans to obey small confused babies, is so simple.
Most of us are used to thinking that eventually there will somehow be an end to all this nonsense on earth.
That is when your temporary being has decided, ok this is it, we’re done here. Let’s make some other dimensions unsafe and change the stupid rules.
But as small and annoying new creature with already the completely unnecessary habit of wanting to know absolutely everything; I wanted the universe to clarify a few things about forever.
Because ‘forever’ sounds suspiciously underexplained.
For example are you then going to remain existing or is it really the end. Do you just… stop?
Like where does your weird body suit end up?
Is it gonna be destroyed and am I going with it counting all of my proton particles and checking the actual non functional brain cells during that particular life.
Which, to be fair, shouldn’t take very long. Which would mean ending in the destroy container sooner than desirable; which immediately gave me the rather creative idea to procrastinate for about eternity to boycot the whole stupid operation.
Which raises another question…
Does someone actually perform quality control?
Like what if you had weebly eyes during your life. Do they throw you in the weebly, but useful bin?
What if you have dozens of birthmarks? Do they then split you up to recycle you and then accomodate you in new, maybe not nice, or rich, families?
So that every part that was once you end up in totally different lives and environments.
I don’t hope so!
Is your body been measured. For unknown reasons.
Does someone fold it?
Is there a cosmic lost and found full of abandoned human bodies?
Is there a receipt I have to keep?
What if I accidentally want to come back later?
Can I exchange it for store credit?
Do I have to clean it first?
Am I still somewhere?
If yes… where?
Floating?
Waiting?
Is it dark out there?
Do I have to deal with darkness until the end of time. If there is any time (left).
Which gives me an anxiety attack from here to eternity, which additional gives me another anxiety explosion.
I imagined being totally being sucked up by dark matter and hysterical alien soup.
Which somehow should be black soup.
With probably human bones floating in it, which became attack number 3.
Which already was hard to handle. But nevertheless continuing trying to understand the stadia of body processings.
Awkwardly standing in line behind twelve billion other confused people holding tiny numbered tickets?
Does eternity have chairs?
Because I would really appreciate chairs.
And quinoa.
I want quinoa, oat meals with aniseed and apple pie.
Mostly apple pie.
Also… if forever never ends…
At what point does everyone run out of things to talk about?
What if nobody can talk?
Do we use sign language.
Surely after the first six million years someone eventually says: “…So… nice weather, isn’t it.”
Which is particularly impressive because weather probably isn’t even a thing in when you’re in the eternity mode.
Now that I look at it, I totally find this whole eternity onboarding process absolutely shocking.
I can totally imagine they just throw you into some kind of eternal wonky suit, hand you a new set of approximately seventeen working brain cells and anxiety and apparently expect you to figure out eternity yourself.
Terrible management.
I’d like to speak to whoever designed this place.
But if there is eternity, then there is no end. And if there is no end, then there is no beginning. And if there is no beginning, then how did this reality and this world ever come into existence?
Because it must have started somewhere at some point.
And where were we then?
Were we nothing?
That, in itself, wouldn’t even be the problem. But what if you return to being nothing again? That sounds incredibly depressing and strangely claustrophobic at the same time.
But I want to remain who I am, not dissolve into nothingness only to then become some anonymous cosmic ingredient in the universe’s unorganized black soup.
Which doesn’t sound very motivating and disturbingly against my own brain rules.
So there must be some sort of eternity, right? Everything is better than nothingness.
As toddler (I remember thinking this way before I was 4) that scared the craps out of me and did I develop a remedy against it, one that I was determine to maintain till the end of times.
Staying awake and refusing to ever go asleep.
Well ofcourse that turned out to be an unreasonable piece of mind polution mistake thing.
Reality is that your poor complicated, fuzzy brain eventually starts imploding all by itself and tries to push your miserable zombie eyes straight out of their sockets.
Plus you begin to feel as if you’ve overdosed on expired dishwasher tablets mixed with anxiety and melted marshmallows.
Because honestly, whoever designed humans put way too much confidence in a brain that starts hallucinating after missing only a couple of nights of sleep.
That’s isn’t exactly a thing you can hold for long. So I kept thinking by myself; girl you have to make some other drastic choices one way or the other.
Otherwise life will be one big scary and mostly exhausting enterprise in which you continuously fear the evenings, because you have a whole lot to think about before getting to sleep which most definitely scare the crap out of you and will result in one big black eternity hole without an emergency exit, customer support or a refund policy.
That’s when I decided it’s better to fool myself just enough to remain socially acceptable then to hold on to decipher black substance that isn’t even a whirlpool of organized thoughts so you can act like you’re normal.
Eventually to let go with the mindset of: I’ll go for the stupid ghost that once entered my room earlier than these difficult thought were developing.
Eventually I will make my excuses and tell him to get the f another attitude bcause I’ll need a decent guide along the eternity highway to more insanity than it was in the earthly setting, so I can finally ask who approved humanity and so I don’t accidentally reincarnate as a motivational speaker. That would be devastating.
After 60 years I gave up the disturbing nothingness and eternity crap mindset; I’m quite ok with it now. I now know more…
